THE BRASIL FETISH

I'm not saying I don't understand.

TOOK A FOUR-HOUR SIESTA FOLLOWING MY POST-GIG ritual of pig debris on tortillas at Cinco De Mayo last night, and made it to Cafe Brasil about 8am to watch Malcolm X vs Uncle Tom, a.k.a. Brasil vs Portugal. Fans of Brasil's soccer team swarm CB anytime it plays, and I'd bet my pebble of a liver half of them have little to no connection to the place, like the throngs that overrun virtually any business that includes the word 'Brasil' in its promotion. The world's Brasil crush isn't new or undeserved; I've never been, but rampant murder, robbery, poverty and racism aside, it seems like a dream of a country and I'm sure my life will only begin once I land. But LA's Brasil fetish is on quite its own level. You could open Brasil Plumbers out here and people would flush babies down toilets for an excuse to throw money at anyone with a lisp and a slightly effeminate speech pattern. Matter of fact, George Brazil Plumbing Services has been in business since 1955, and George looks pretty swarthy in this picture. And I haven't listened into NPR, KCRW or KXLU since the 338th time I tuned in to the sound of some Brasilian guy humming through a hollow tube while a bird chirps in the background.

Pro-Brasil fever only intensifies when they play Portugal, which, as you hopefully know, ruled Brasil for 300 years. You can almost hear Forensics Show: Evil Music play when they step on the field, and the cameramen deliberately catch shots of the players when they're out of breath, so they look as Eeeevil as possible. Everyone wants to see the former slave whoop their old master. But, more than that, girls want to increase their chances of boning a happy-go-lucky capoeirista with ab muscles up to his collarbones, and guys want to double their odds of walking out with a woman whose hips will barely make it through the doorway. And I don't think there are any better reasons to watch sports. So on that note, here's two tips that will triple your chances of having to ask "what's this potato-looking thing" over breakfast sometime in the near future.

1. Pronounce Brasil with an S, and some 'e' in the second syllable.
2. They do NOT speak Spanish. That really pisses them off.

Saints & Sinners tonight! Check out the swanky new flyer I made.