aaaand it's up. "IRAN SO FAR AWAY"

Sum Roasts Malky:: The Speech

This is in honor of our man of the hour tonight, my good good friend Malkovich, who is being honored tonight for reasons I am still in the dark about. Irregardless, we are here to celebrate the end of his wonder years and the twilight of his mediocre career. We are also here to celebrate the meeting of his two eyebrows at long last, and the release of his new mixtape, which will probably be as groundbreaking as the opening of my new umbrella. This is the celebration of a loud and senile man with the short term memory of a termite; a man who has the answer to everything, the solution to nothing and is as focused as a fart.

Malkovich is very proud of his Persian heritage, which is excellent because if his rap career doesn't work out, at least there is a bright future ahead of him selling used computer parts or falafel on Venice Beach. I have great admiration for his mother, who is twice the Persian man he'll never be, even though he does have a greasy forehead and points to things with his eyebrows, so at least he's kinda like a real Persian man. Malky is also half-English, which means he is still amazed by the concept of well seasoned food, and you could serve him a plate of overcooked cow balls in a puddle of lukewarm grease and he will say "MAN this is GREAT!!! What did you PUT in this!!??"

Someday, I think they will name a disease after Malky...the symptoms will include being a man who dresses like a lesbian tennis coach, having fucked up hair but thinking it's cool, and not being able to dance no matter how much Parliament you listen to. Talk is cheap, and so is Malky, so you will tend to find Malky talking alot. Whatever look he's aiming for, he missed. With regard to style, Malky's head is so far up his ass, he can chew his lentils again on the way down in case he missed them the first time.

One time in New York when Malk was staying with me, I tried to give him some lotion, and he looked at me like I was trying to trick him.

Don't be fooled. He's smarter than he looks, but then again, he'd have to be. The only thing worse than Malky's taste in clothes and hairstyle, is his choice in girlfriends. His last girlfriend was a quite piece of work. But at least he stuck it out and tried his best to maintain a lasting relationship. That's more than I can say for our friend Janet who has probably been through three relationships, a marriage, a divorce and stalked by a Jamaican midget since the show started tonight. Her heart is broken, but just feed her some Fatburger, and she'll be alright.

But in all seriousness, Malky is my ace. He's a great mind of this generation and as genuine a friend as you could ask for. He has a heart of gold...it's yellow....and hard. When I think of all the people I respect the most, he's right there...doing their press campaigns. I have nothing but confidence in him, and very little of that.

Okay, but for real this time...I can rag on Malky because we spend hours and hours on end standing next to each other playing music, sharing ideas, and building empires. When I think about a hard-working man of his word, I think about him. When I think about a man who gets things done, I think about his mother.

I can't imagine a better evil genius to be allied with and call a friend. I can see your star rising, my friend, and it's a truly wonderful thing to behold. And I will truly worship the ground you are buried in.

Happy Birthday man.

I'm sure you will remember this evening for as long as it takes you to walk to your car, you unappreciative, senile, drunken bastard you.


Facebook...What the hell happened

Ok, is it just me, or did Facebook just start randomly blowin' up in the last few months?

I opened a Facebook account back when I lived in NYC, so that was almost three years ago. I opened it, saw nobody was on there and went back to Myspacin'.

Then I opened it in December for the first time since 2006, and everybody's switching profile pics, updating, linking, IM'ing, and other forms Facebookery.

Myspace is as dead as the skin on my big toe. How did that happen? I logged in every day. Now I log in once a week... I put some thought into it and here's a few reasons


1-Fuck your band and the flyers you rode in on.
I'm a musician, and I'm sick of Myspace musicians. Ironically, MySpace was created for fans and bands to connect...that's the whole purpose of it. But for at least the past year, I've had a problem with the incessant promotion that goes on on MySpace. First of all, if you are one of 10,000 bands promoting an event in Southwest DickWrinkle, Wyoming, there's no way you can stand out in the crowd. I, for one, am paranoid about getting lost in anybody's shuffle. I am far too talented, unique and outstanding to get lost in anybody's shuffle. On MySpace, that is exactly what happens, no matter who you are. You become one of many. And I am all but that. I am Sum.

On Facebook, the fact that you are a musician comes secondary to the fact that you are a person. Which falls right in line with my philosophy of music promotion. If people don't have any interest in you as a person, why the fuck would they spend money on your new album. By the way, your album just so happens to sound like a humming chimp spreading vaseline on his chest.

Even if your music is good, every good marketer knows that human interest rules all else.

2. Fuck all your MySpace page graphics.
The sun-red horned giraffe in headphones spinning a record on a turntable graphic that serves as the background for your page was dope. In 2004. We're over it now. Nobody can read all that shit on your MySpace page, it looks horrible and I can't get to the point fast enough. Beyond being really gay, your flying pixie-dust GIF is pissing me off. Your music automatically starting at the same time as 3 other music players in your comments section is pissing me off. The 5 YouTube videos I have to scroll past to get to your bio aint helpin'. Get it together.

Facebook's interface is simple, straight to the point, uniform and easy to navigate. It works like a professional business card. I think folks got tired of all the extra visuals on MySpace and appreciate the breath of fresh air FB is blowin'.

3. Fuck all them Ads
I don't want to log in to my personal profile and get assaulted by ads for Carrot Top's new music video, Jessica Simpson breastfeeding a koala, or a fucking full-length trailer for Icecapades "Cypress Hill on Ice : The Opera". Shut the fuck up already!

I go to Facebook, all I see is that plain ass map with the bathroom logos on it. I type in my login shit and I'm in. I'm on my page, and there's no video game contest challenging me to run away from a frenzied gorilla so I can win a shit-for-parts laptop. There's no "press the red button and do more pushups" so I can win a pair of digital boxer briefs after I take a 40 minute survey and subscribe to Hustler and National Geographic. Don't ask me how I know all this stuff.

4. Integration, Integration, Integration

Yes, I would like very much for this blog post to go up on my Facebook page when I publish it. That's very nice of you, Facebook people.

Oh, what's that you say? I can have a page from my music profile featured on my Facebook, too? Oh, you're too kind.

Huh? I can link YouTube videos to my folks without having to spend time sending an email? You've really outdone yourself, guys. You really shouldn't have.

Later for MySpace, baby....Twitter, that's for the birds... I'm with you, Facebook. At least until some better shit comes along.

*leaves to twitter about blogging about facebooking*


"PROHIBITION" f. Sir Ian Dangerous || "IRAN SO FAR AWAY"

So. In anticipation of the 3/12 Mint show and my general re-entry into wiggerworld, here go two songs from the Bankruptcy mixtape whose release we'll be celebrating that storied evening, among other things. You can download both at http://www.malkovichmusic.com/bankruptcy_teasers.zip.

The first song from the upcoming Palms Weekend album, dedicated to all you alcoholics out there. Features none other than SIR IAN DANGEROUS of Saints & Sinners on the chorus, and my man ABCDEFG (Myspace page) on the beat.

The much-vaunted Persian pop monstrosity. Video premieres 3/12 at the party, and online by sunrise.

Related Posts with Thumbnails