9/22/10

THE COFFEE BEAN TROOP SCAM


I REPEAT: PALMS BUMS DON'T BEG. They fix cars. They dumpster-dive. They smoke crack behind lampposts. They stare at their balls. They write novels. But they don't beg. Or, they save their breath with me. I don't donate to anyone who isn't missing at least one arm, and there'd better be a mental home bracelet on the other one, or some monstrous growth, something to suggest you'd still be screwed if you weren't falling-down drunk every time I see you. Everyone's struggling.

Apparently, so is Coffee Bean, which has resorted to pimping soldiers through their Support From Home campaign. Regular readers know I already think Coffee Bean is a crock, and I guess this is the next logical step down their path of chicanery. It's kind of brilliant, actually. Here's what it sounds like on their site:

COFFEE BEAN SUPPORTS OUR DEPLOYED TROOPS. Customers at all Arizona and California locations of The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf® have been invited to support the troops by purchasing a bag of coffee, a tin of tea or retail merchandise for donation at a 10% discount. These donated items are then distributed to deployed military personnel through the Soldiers' Angels troop support organization.
Here's what it looks like on the ground:

you: Hi, I'll have a coffee, please.
CB cashier: (in a slightly louder than speaking voice) You got it. Would you also like to donate a $10 bag of coffee to support our troops overseas today?
you: Um, no thanks.
*store falls silent, as the distant sound of weeping soldiers rolls faintly over the hills from the direction of Baghdad*
CB cashier: No problem. Should I carve the swastika in your forehead now or after you've finished your beverage?
you: Thanks, I'll handle it at home.

I don't wanna be the reason some sleepy soldier gets diced up in eleventeen different directions on the battlefield today. But I can't help noticing that COFFEE BEAN KEEPS 90% OF THE PROFIT FROM EACH BAG. They need to turn that slogan backward. Our Deployed Troops Support Coffee Bean.

Besides, I'm not sure troops need coffee most. Notify me when Kevlar has a similar promotion, and I'll gladly donate a bulletproof vest to the cause (as long as it's $10). And finally, look at it this way: the ten bucks I might have donated probably went to Shell or Chevron instead. And they're the guys who sent you to battle. So back off. I support daily. Now gimme my fucking coffee before I call corporate.

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