9/13/10

WHEN LANDLORDS ATTACK, PT. I


LOTS HAPPENED WHILE WE WERE ON HIATUS. A neighbor shot his dad. Amelia Earhart and Mrs Brown from downstairs were both hospitalized. Venice/Westwood lot owner DOINTBIG installed a fence dividing his property and Cafe Brasil's because he's a loser with nothing better to do. And The Wizard, also known as the dirty Pakistani man with one short leg who may or may not be the landlord of the building facing my mayoral compound (yes, they have different owners) officially went to war with the Mexican family across the way with the two daughters and a son who repeatedly opens and slams their front door while yelling "I WANNA FUCK" whenever the parents are out. Jessica is the eldest, a lovely girl who worked at Best Buy across Venice until she got a used Acura from her boyfriend, a Cuban kid who was in the army until Iraq put three bullets in his left calf. He had words with the Wizard regarding a pushing match he apparently had with Jessica the other day, and since the BF was technically parked in my building's lot, the Wizard called our building manager Lesley to come have him towed. Yeah. Add that up if you can.

The sound of Lesley calling the Wizard a "crazy old fool" at approximately the top of her lungs for having her drive across town to settle a dispute he had with one of his own tenants sent me diving for the camera. The Wizard called the cops then tried to drive off before they arrived, an exit strategy that proved unmanageable after the BF blocked the Wizard's car in with his own. Thankfully, Lesley decided to wear shoes for a change, as po-po showed up soon thereafter. The footage forfeits some precious details: Marcus clipping his nails while being interviewed by the cops; Jessica's boyfriend driving off with his sister sitting in front and his girlfriend in the back seat; the Wizard's car accidentally blocking the driveway, minutes after he had the cops scold the BF for blocking the driveway. The Wizard's wife - a sheet-clad, dead-eyed mute who looks like she's taken apart some AK-47s in her day - was having trouble moving the car; I think she's more used to horses. The glare she shot me after I laughed out loud had me staring at my shoes and talking under my breath for 20 minutes. It was the look reserved for traitors, as if I'm supposed to side with them because I'm Middle Eastern too, as opposed to siding against them because they're assholes who complicate life for the people that put money in their pockets for no good reason, just like DOINTBIG and most of the other Middle Eastern landlords and property owners in this neighborhood that give our kind a bad reputation.

On the downside, they're probably not going to let me borrow their hose anymore.


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