THE NEIGHBORHOOD IDIOT. A story by Francesca Dunn.

And no, I’m not referring to myself. The person, or rather the thing, I speak of is my dog, who most of you know as Zoggie - or Bamboo, as Janet likes to call her - and is occasionally seen being walked around the neighborhood by none other than our good neighbor Josh (post soon to come [it fucking better - Ed.]). Now, you may be wondering - or, you may not - why she is nicknamed The Neighborhood Idiot. Well, first let me run through a few names she’s picked up over the last two years.


BAMBOO. The day this little ten-pound chi-weagle was laid off on me and my sister, the easiest way to pick a name was to look out of our bedroom window. And what did we see but… Bamboo Restaurant (story).
JESSIE. After Bamboo wore off, we decided she actually looks like a Jessie, and used the name of a dog my mom, dad, and brother had in England before I existed. After choosing this name, it was time for her first vet visit, so now, two years later, the vet still calls her Jessie.
LINDA. We eventually decided against Jessie (for reasons unknown) and began calling her Linda (also for reasons unknown).
GLENDA. One sunny afternoon, the Westwood Block was blessed with the prescence of neighborhood favorite Nikiya, who mistook the name Linda for Glenda after stating that the dog looked like the goon from The Neverending Story. So Glenda stuck for a while.
MANGO. After having her from somewhere between eight months and a year and becoming fully attached, we decided that she is as sweet as a mango, and wanted everyone to know.
MINGU. Calling out “Mango” repeatedly gets boring after 30 calls, so that name got molded into this one.
TANDORI PINGU. Josh came up with this one after spending countless hours bathing, training and grooming her over the last two years and deciding she looks like a little tandoori chicken... and Pingu comes from same reason as name 6.
SCHMEIGEL. One of my personal favorites. What other name is so perfect for a dumb little schmeigel?
ZOGGIE. This name came about by saying different variations of the word “doggie”, and finally deciding that Zoggie flys off the tongue well and is easy for my Persian relatives to pronounce, since “Zogghee” means happiness in Farsi. And seems to be most people’s favorite.
IGGIE. same reason as number 6, but now using the name Zoggie.


Surprisingly, all have stuck in one way or another. At least a handful of five people know her by each name. Now that you know the names of the idiot in question, let me tell you why an idiot is what she is.


1. Napkins are her favorite food.
2. She spends her nights (and probably most days) chewing on her own foot.
3. She sniffs the house that she has lived in for two-plus years over a hundred times daily, and treats every sniff as if it’s her first.
4. She fails to recognize (and be comfortable around) people she has seen every day since her birth two years ago.
5. She is afraid of most things such as brooms, cups, spoons, wind, forks, utensils in general, shoes, and some string.
6. She huffs and puffs quietly to herself when she sees other dogs and only barks in their direction once they are gone.
7. She greets me excitedly every time I enter the house, regardless of if I’ve just returned from a two-week vacation or from a 30-second trip to the trash can.
8. She nervously licks her lips every time (without failure) Malky holds her snout shut for longer than one second.
9. Despite her size, she continues to think she can push people of +100 pounds away from her while trying to wiggle her way out of their forced grasp.
10. She nervously waits by the front door of people’s homes where she feels uncomfortable, anxiously waiting to leave, as if her tiny brain has the capacity to make rational decisions.

Despite all of these things, somehow it is easy to love her, as we all do. As much as we - and when I say we I really mean I - hate her, I just don’t remember what I ever did before March 2008 without her. So who is the actual idiot: me or her?