WE WERE HEADING TO THE BAR IN THE MAR VISTA LANES BOWLING ALLEY LAST NIGHT when Franamami besmirched my worldly stature by intimating that I should try more new things, since I attempted earlier to rent ace British gangster movie The Krays (starring the two guys from Spandau Ballet of "True"/PM Dawn fame), which I've seen not a few times. So to punish her, I immediately changed course toward Lost & Found on Barrington and National, which I had heard was real divey, and not in an endearing way. My mental Mini-Me rubbed his hands with glee before the saloon doors swung behind us. From the triple-chinned hillbillies clustered beside the jukebox stuffed with country albums, to the people by the restrooms blowing cigarette smoke which still didn't mask the hot foot stench, Frana's eyes begged departure. I almost felt bad leaving a black girl with dreadlocks in a redneck dive bar when I popped out to find an ATM (cash only) until I saw a cash machine by the jukebox upon returning, and realized the joke was on me. As if that wasn't already shit on my dress shirt, minutes later she was having a ball chatting it up with Phyllis, an L&F regular sat next to a Fred Durst lookalike. Fortunately my thwarted attempt at satisfaction was assuaged by all the TWO DOLLAR BEERS and TWO DOLLAR SHOTS. At those prices, the place can smell like tyrannosaurus burps for all I care. Phyllis got hugs and kisses and "hi Mom"s from young guys who definitely weren't her sons. She told us about the owner, an 81-year old dead ringer for Mr Burns who makes a mean corned beef & cabbage for customers on holidays. I noticed the immaculate part in the elderly yet sprightly bartender's hair. And thoughts of revenge began to drift away as I ordered another MGD. Think I'll be back. Phyllis says Mr Burns is cooking on Memorial Day.

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