Thursday 9.25.08: Superhero seeks date

Sum & Niles, a.k.a. the Super Blario Bros. Sum was standing on the DJ podium. Niles wasn't.

LAST THURSDAY WE GOT A VISIT FROM OUR BUDDY, NILES. His family hails from the industrial wonderland of Manchester, England, which may explain his World War I-era name, and his talent for making a beer disappear just by laughing loudly. To use the parlance of his home country, he's tall as shite, which could go a certain way toward explaining why he is a world-class karate champion, currently training to compete as a boxer in the 2012 Olympics. He is also a computer genius, which is how he got a job with one of those new companies that gets paid tractor trailers full of cash by ailing record labels to create and plant those files on illegal download sites which you think contain your favorite band's entire catalog, but are in fact viruses that cause your computer to explode in a puff of smoke. [Interesting note: this actually happened the other month to Sum, who turned in despair to Niles, who promptly fixed the problem since it turns out the offending file was one of his creations.] Like any internet brainbox worth his salt, there are several unmarked servers scattered throughout Eastern Europe pumping questionable code into the information superhighway from which an increasing amount of his income derives, so he doesn't really even need a formal job. But, as any man will tell you, you'll find more hot women in an office building than you will in an apartment full of vintage pizza boxes.

Which brings me to the crux of this post. Over our third or seventh drink, Niles and I decided that life is going pretty damn well for him at present. So, like a true friend, I set about trying to find something he was missing to make me feel better about myself. And after a little inquiry, he conceded that there was indeed something absent from even his amazing life: a woman. He has been so busy connecting the lonely men of the world with automated email bots pretending to be single young women that he forgot to get a real one for himself.

So if you're a single lady between the ages of 18 and 1,888, and Niles sounds like the kind of fella you'd like to get to know betta, drop us a line and we will set you guys up on a Thursday evening at Saints. The first round of drinks are on us. After that, you'll have to wring booze money out of the cheap bastard yourself. But he's tall, dark, foreign, well-to-do, intelligent with an air of shadowy intrigue, and has an extra super power that you'll have to discover for yourself. Oh, and did I mention that he's one of the top five best Street Fighter II players in the world?

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