HERE'S HOW I KNOW GOD IS HANDING US THE CAR KEYS TO 2009: Valentine's Day falls on Saturday. Rumor has it he knows everything, or sees quite a few things, or has friends who have friends, or something along those lines. I overheard someone say something to that effect at the falafel spot the other day. So he must have known that his decision to schedule this year's celebration of lurve and happyness on a Saturday would put myself and Flowbama squarely in charge of mood calibration at Stinkers, the Palms Weekend's outpost on the frontier of gentrification. He only knows what kind of music the good people of Hipsterlake would have had to stomach if it was business as usual. I shudder to think.

These are tough times. So I heard. I mean, there's no World War on. The bubonic plague was 1920. People are living past the age of 33. Painkillers are a given factor in every medical operation. I don't see any babies being thrown in lakes, and there are plenty of BMWs in the streets. So yeah. Tough times? I don't know. Nevertheless, that's what you all keep telling each other, so I'll humor you for this post. These are tough times, folks. People need to feel the love this VeeDay, and electro ain't gonna cut it. People wanna sing. They wanna sang. They want the Marvin and the Otis and the Aretha. And when their vocal cords are weary and their mouths are only good for pouring more Silverlake Lemonade down, they want the One Way and the Gap Band and the O'Jays so their crotches can battle the rest out until it's time to get kicked out and go home and hump it off. And by Criminy, we're gonna give it to 'em.

This one's for you, God.


  1. Thank you God, for allowing me to spend my first Valentine's Day as a married man standing next to my loud and drunk Persian friend all night smelling bacon-wrapped hot dogs in my nose. These are the nicest pair of car keys I've ever got. I can't wait.

  2. i know. i hooked you the fuck up. don't forget that.

    sincerely, god


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