A WORD TO THE "EMAIL ANAL"

AS YOU PEE-DUB READERS NO DOUBT KNOW FIRSTHAND, I've recently made it a point to collect the email address of every person I meet who a) I enjoy talking with and b) doesn't strike me as a complete tard, for the purpose of adding them to our email list to receive our weekly web flyers. I don't consider the two criteria mutually exclusive; I not uncommonly enjoy conversation with tards, but I enjoy them for all the wrong reasons, and ultimately, tards tend to sour up what might otherwise have been a rollicking good night out. So I embrace those magic moments, then throw them to the wind. No point staying in touch with one tard when another is always around the corner.

Alas, some people are more low-key about their 'tardiness', and end up getting waved into the Matrix, the sly foxes. But they never last past Wednesdays. Wednesdays are a bloodbath of tards. Wednesdays are the days when any and all tards that may have erroneously made it into my Blackberry then into the database are exposed and weeded out, because Wednesday is the day I do our weekly web flyer blast, and am always - always - rewarded with one or more badly-spelled, question mark-laden replies from tards I met the previous weekend responding to my email with some variation on "who is this???" or "how did i get on this list?????" or "i dont remember giving out my eamil to any Palms Weekend place", each imbued with an air of panic that one might expect from someone who has just had their baby stolen from them.

Since I will from now on respond to all such emails simply with a link to this post, let's answer each question one by one so there will be no more confusion. A "how did I get here?" FAQ for tards, if you will. Here we go.

"who is this???"

I am Malkovich. I DJ Thursday nights at Saints & Sinners and The Arsenal (yes, two places in one night), Friday nights at Saints & Sinners (yes, again), and Saturday nights at Stinkers. Here I am.

"how did i get on this list?????"

Well, it's pretty simple. We had a conversation last weekend, probably at one of the above three bars, during which I asked you if you'd like to get on the email list for The Palms Weekend. You accepted. That's how I managed to email you right now.

"i dont remember giving out my eamil to any Palms Weekend place"

Oh, but you did. Again, if you hadn't, you wouldn't have received this message. I understand you were probably drunk at the time and therefore don't remember much about the evening, but trust me, I was more drunk than you, yet I managed to type your email address into my phone - correctly, at that. Yet, people such as yourself have trouble even remembering which bar they were at over the weekend, or whether or not, in fact, they were even at a bar at all. I find this intriguing.

If you've received a link to this specific post in your inbox, chances are you've already been deleted from our database. Though you may not realize it, I appreciate you exposing your true tardiness. You save me having to find out after you've done some real damage. But I never understood the kind of people who go apeshit over mysterious emails. Maybe I think about all the headaches the average day brings, and I consider that a few extra shapes on a screen isn't worth expending extra confusion into the world over. Or maybe I just like being kept in the loop regarding cool places to go at night, even if I don't necessarily go - especially places I had such a good time at that I gave the DJ my email address. Jackass.