WIN A MOVIE DATE WITH BURNIE

I remember it clear as day. I was sauntering past the movie billboards that adorn Sony Studios one sunny Sunday, iPod on blast, when a pale shape peppered with stubble hovered into view from the corner of my eye, looming unassumingly at the outer fringes of my peripheral then gradually becoming more insistent as I ambled closer. My neck swiveled my head marginally to the left then slightly upward to the sight of the blubbery jowls and nonplussed expression of Kevin James, the actor/comedian who plays the lovable schlub with the smoking hot wife on the TV show King Of Queens, hanging tall as four men over Washington Blvd. The sky was a summer blue behind his white uniform button-up, and beneath his face read "Paul Blart: Mall Cop", followed by the phrase "safety never takes a holiday". It took me all of several seconds to absorb this poster, and exactly that same amount of time to conclude that Mall Cop is going to be inhumanly fucking funny. Saying the name "Paul Blart" makes me laugh, every time. Shit, just saying "blart" does the trick. I can't look at Kevin James for too long without letting a chuckle fly. Never could. Whoever decided to cast him as a mall cop deserves a Pulitzer. And while it's entirely possible that my bar for comedy may be as low as my bar for food, I can't currently think of anything funnier than a mall cop. OK, a chimp driving a car is funnier than a mall cop. But that's about it.


I see myriad reasons to anticipate the viewing of Paul Blart: Mall Cop. So why do none of my friends share my enthusiasm? Ian professes to love Kevin James' standup material, which makes his staunch opposition to watching his first feature film all the more perplexing. Nzinga said she would gladly watch it for free as we pulled out of the Century City parking lot after watching Notorious. And everyone else I run the idea by just grimaces and shakes their head as if I just shit my pants in the middle of our conversation or something. Am I in some kind of alternate dimension? Do I have the wrong friends?


So this goes out to anyone who wants to see Mall Cop. Leave a comment and let's do this. Yeah, I read the bad reviews. But we all know reviewers love lame shit. This movie has been number one two weekends straight. And yeah, the American public loves lame shit too, but if the reviewers hate it and the people love it, that evens it out in my book. OK, awful argument. But look at it this way: if you're female and remotely attractive, I'll probably pay for your ticket and maybe a carton of overpriced confectionery, because we all know women need confection for their affection. And if you're male, hopefully you will know better than to respond to this.