Operation: Die Tyrese, Die

A little over a month ago, I dropped an album with my cohort Belief (Sum and Belief are....The Lone Wolf). Some of you may recall the quaint and laid back release party we threw at El Cid in celebration. What most of you don't know is that we had to barrel through two madmen and an ADD/OCD sound engineer to make that party happen.

One of the two madmen was an older white gentleman with no eyelids that spoke in measured barks. He was clearly ex-military and had suffered some kind of injury that I'm sure resulted in him cashing in on some kind of disability settlement after discovering he could only speak in buttery growl. That settlement, I believe, was angled towards the purchase of El Cid by he and his band of merry goons. So the old Silverlake establishment that once upon a time only hosted acts with a considerable draw now books everything cool and indie..... from the Root Down to events like Feast of Fetus shows, Lone Wolf release parties and all kinda other crazy shit.

Speaking of Feast of Fetus, they rocked there a few nights before we booked The Lone Wolf at El Cid, which leads me to my second madman (and the point of this whole story).

The second madman was a big burly dude from Arkansas by the name of Zedric. This dude was a class act, and a classic Southerner....I picked up on it immediately. Real folk, firm handshake, open talk, strong-spirited, good-natured...you know, kinda like me. Zedric almost vomited on my forehead when I told him I knew the Feast of Fetus guys, and I think we almost didn't get the show. This was a dude who was probably raised in a church on the dusty outskirts of Texarkana and could probably throw a bull-calf at a helicopter in mid-flight. He's country. So you know, the whole Feast of Fetus band name thing....it made his chin quiver. You've never seen a wholesome Bible-belt type squirm until you tell 'em you're cool with Feast of Fetus.

Needless to say, we got the show.

The point of all this is that Zedric's day job was playing a stunt double. He was pretty amped about this new opportunity he had on the table to play B.A. Baracus' stunt double in the new A-Team movie. For those who don't know, Baracus is the character played by everybody's fav black dude wearing a shark's weight in gold and rocking a fro-hawk, Mr. T.

Zedric was only gonna get the stunt-double role if some no-name actor got to play Baracus. The only thing that was standing in his way was a muthafucka named Tyrese....for Tyrese was in the running for the role.

This all happened a few months ago, and according to my most recent research, it looks like Tyrese IS going to be playing B.A. Baracus in the new A-Team flick, and my man Zedric will be stuck booking indie rappers in Silverlake a little longer alongside the vet who talks in cautious barks.

Maybe Tyrese is a good actor, but since when has good acting had shit to do with anything featuring Mr. T? Anybody who can open a can of garbanzo beans can play B.A. Baracus...so this isn't an issue of acting skill or ability. It's an issue of Tyrese being too soft and pretty for the role. This is not to mention his tender and murky music video past, where he has been seen vigorously rubbing his naked chest chest in the shower. Great. The ladies love it. But B.A. Baracus is a character for MEN. Hollywood, you're trying to pull MEN out to see the A-Team, not Mindy who loves "The Hills". As boys, we would watch the A-Team and then jump through 2nd-story windows instead of walking through the front door to go play. We would pick up toy vans and throw them at girls. We'd set bushes on fire and run away from them in slow motion. Now, those boys have become grown MEN!! And you give us TYRESE?

I hate you, mainstream Hollywood. And now, to add insult to injury, I hear that Tyrese is going to be playing Panthro in the new Thundercats flick.

I mean...at this point, they might as well dress up a piece of human dookie in a Thundercat costume and have Tina Fey do a voiceover. Then stab me through the heart. With the Sword of Omens.