Friday 8.8.08: Invasion Of The Hideous Request Monsters

Sum was supposed to be basking in the warm, glowing, warming glow of his last Friday night DJ set as an unmarried man this night. But Ian asked him to barback, which means more money for both of us - so I flew solo while Sum shuttled the booze.

We had been told earlier that an '80s-themed birthday party for a girl named Amy was going to be happening there that night, so I knew what I was in for when I walked in: drunk, badly-dressed white people lining up by the DJ booth to ask for awful songs. Jorge, the DJ famous for the "No Song Requests" sign that he props up once every couple months or so on the turntables, was already scowling when I walked in, and half of his set is always '80s music. So I knew these had to be some requests straight from the bowels of the earth. And they were.

The night's main offenders were two girls in frilly prom dresses and frizzed hair who couldn't have been more than toddlers in 1989, and seemed to think that rubbing my elbow and batting their eyelids was going to get shit like "I Love Your Smile" by Shanice played. I told them that I was aware there was an '80s-themed party going on, and as such, they had a handful of 'corny credits' with me, but no amount of credits was going to get "I Love Your Smile" to come through these speakers. Besides, that song is from the '90s, kid.

So they asked for "I Touch Myself" by The Divinyls (another '90s song), assuring me that the crowd would erupt, so I played it, and nobody cared. So when they came back and I pointed out that their last request didn't exactly burn the place down, they promised me they would dance on the bar if I played "Like A Virgin". I played it, and they just stood in the corner sucking down their drinks and keeping a low profile, so their Corny Credits were revoked at that juncture.

And just in case you think only women can come up with this shit, a man in rather tight tennis shorts asked me to play "Black And White" by Michael Jackson.

I had to stay at the bar after hours until 4am just to drink it off.

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