Sum Roasts Malky:: The Speech

This is in honor of our man of the hour tonight, my good good friend Malkovich, who is being honored tonight for reasons I am still in the dark about. Irregardless, we are here to celebrate the end of his wonder years and the twilight of his mediocre career. We are also here to celebrate the meeting of his two eyebrows at long last, and the release of his new mixtape, which will probably be as groundbreaking as the opening of my new umbrella. This is the celebration of a loud and senile man with the short term memory of a termite; a man who has the answer to everything, the solution to nothing and is as focused as a fart.

Malkovich is very proud of his Persian heritage, which is excellent because if his rap career doesn't work out, at least there is a bright future ahead of him selling used computer parts or falafel on Venice Beach. I have great admiration for his mother, who is twice the Persian man he'll never be, even though he does have a greasy forehead and points to things with his eyebrows, so at least he's kinda like a real Persian man. Malky is also half-English, which means he is still amazed by the concept of well seasoned food, and you could serve him a plate of overcooked cow balls in a puddle of lukewarm grease and he will say "MAN this is GREAT!!! What did you PUT in this!!??"

Someday, I think they will name a disease after Malky...the symptoms will include being a man who dresses like a lesbian tennis coach, having fucked up hair but thinking it's cool, and not being able to dance no matter how much Parliament you listen to. Talk is cheap, and so is Malky, so you will tend to find Malky talking alot. Whatever look he's aiming for, he missed. With regard to style, Malky's head is so far up his ass, he can chew his lentils again on the way down in case he missed them the first time.

One time in New York when Malk was staying with me, I tried to give him some lotion, and he looked at me like I was trying to trick him.

Don't be fooled. He's smarter than he looks, but then again, he'd have to be. The only thing worse than Malky's taste in clothes and hairstyle, is his choice in girlfriends. His last girlfriend was a quite piece of work. But at least he stuck it out and tried his best to maintain a lasting relationship. That's more than I can say for our friend Janet who has probably been through three relationships, a marriage, a divorce and stalked by a Jamaican midget since the show started tonight. Her heart is broken, but just feed her some Fatburger, and she'll be alright.


But in all seriousness, Malky is my ace. He's a great mind of this generation and as genuine a friend as you could ask for. He has a heart of gold...it's yellow....and hard. When I think of all the people I respect the most, he's right there...doing their press campaigns. I have nothing but confidence in him, and very little of that.

Okay, but for real this time...I can rag on Malky because we spend hours and hours on end standing next to each other playing music, sharing ideas, and building empires. When I think about a hard-working man of his word, I think about him. When I think about a man who gets things done, I think about his mother.

I can't imagine a better evil genius to be allied with and call a friend. I can see your star rising, my friend, and it's a truly wonderful thing to behold. And I will truly worship the ground you are buried in.

Happy Birthday man.


I'm sure you will remember this evening for as long as it takes you to walk to your car, you unappreciative, senile, drunken bastard you.