THE PALMS WEEKEND: HALLOWEEN '08: THE SHOWDOWN

WORDS FAIL ME, thanks to all those drinks, the "powdered sugar" that I "mistakenly" inhaled, and the three pieces of spacecake I ate the day after to stave off the hangover. So, I give you the following. Pay special attention to our interview with emcee and mug tycoon Tytus Penn, who Sum and I feel deserves honorable mention for what might have been the most inventive costume of the evening, and definitely the most confusing.

Alas, while the concept of wearing a perpetual grin on your face all night as your costume is genius in every sense of the term, we knew it wouldn't go over well with the throngs of ogres, fiends and other assorted undead who had toiled over their outfits for the evening. So, as your trusty judges, we took serious those who had taken the contest serious. And here they are.

THE WINNERS

BEST MALE COSTUME: LUKE

Whaddya want. Several male costumes had their strong points, but the moment we saw him, we knew there was only one clown walking out of that bar with that Dewar's bottle. And that clown walked out in a yellow one-piece jumpsuit with Truck's hand on his ass.

BEST FEMALE COSTUME: "MADONNA"

There's something about Heat's turn as the most excited hot dog ever that made it hard for me to co-sign this one. But Heat didn't enter the contest, and I was temporarily blinded by the pointy golden titties. Sometimes it's just as simple as wearing pointy, golden titties.

BEST DUO COSTUME: TONY & SHEENA

By the time Ian started announcing winners, these two had finished their drinks and cleared their tab, and were just sitting at the bar, waiting for us to declare them winners so they could grab their prize and skate. And we couldn't even hate.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

MOST TIMELY COSTUME: THE LEHMAN BROTHERS

Timely. Witty. But you forgot flashy.

MOST UNTIMELY COSTUME: RED SONYA & CONAN

These two could have almost taken the duo prize. But doesn't this guy always walk into Saints dressed like this?

BEST FOOTWEAR: KATE

She made me. And I'm glad.

MOST REALISTIC COSTUME: DEAN

After I took Dean's picture and he slunk off, Frylock's hubby remarked "that guy is depressssssed" loudly as he swung in for his shot. I didn't have the heart to explain to him that Dean had just got hit by a fucking car outside Saints ten minutes prior, and had the gored-up knee to prove it.

THE "THAT CERTAIN SOMETHING" COSTUME: SGT. SLAUGHTER

There's just something about this one that is so amazing. Don't ask me what that something is. And don't try to disagree either.