exclusive: Archeologists uncover CULVER WOMAN.

Archaeologists have found what may be the footprint of the first humanoid to ever exercise. It was found at the Culver City branch Of Bally Total Fitness, on the penultimate step of the stairway between the changing rooms and lobby. The slender, well-rounded shape of the footprint suggests that the humanoid was female, hence her nickname 'Culver Woman' in the press. The footprint was pointed in the direction of that one treadmill in the corner that only goes up to 6.2. The fact that the foot left a permanent impression in a stucco stair suggests that Culver Woman may have had an abnormally high bone density, or may have been a superhero of some sort.

That, or she was a woman with the kind of foot funk that could burn through plastic. Or maybe she stepped in a nice puddle of that Bally staph infection I keep hearing about. I think the CDC put it in the books last year. Or maybe she was running from one of the perverted personal trainers so hard that she ran a hole in a fucking stair. (Staph infection and staff infection? Twofer!) Forget project stairwells, the Bally stairwell will get you killed.

P.S: There is not, and has never been, an apostrophe-s on the end of Bally.

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